Leaning into the Pause

It's been just over a year since I started my blog and just over a month since I moved to St. Louis, so I figured it was time to publish another blog post.

So to start off: school is going well. It's challenging and scary and difficult and I love it. I'm taking classes where we discuss privilege week after week and it is so hard to have those conversations. But they are so important to have, especially in St. Louis.

It's the finding myself that is the most difficult though. I was part of so many communities previously, and I defined myself by my membership in them. Here, I'm just trying to figure out who I am. I can completely redefine myself if I wanted to--but if I do, who am I? What do I want from these next few years? That's a big and difficult question to answer.

I was challenged during our week of Orientation to find my truth. Seems simple enough, right? So I took some time to think about the things I knew to be true.

1. People are inherently good. I was walking home from campus during the first week of class and as I was waiting to cross the street, a gentleman who was holding a cardboard sign said hello to me and asked if I was Shirley Temple. I laughed and told him no, that I had been called that a lot as a child. He then asked what year I was in school and I replied, saying I had just started my Masters program. With a big smile on his face, he welcomed me to St. Louis and told me I simply had to go to that museum with the bus on top. The City Museum?, I asked. He nodded and I crossed the street. I've seen that guy a few times since, we smile at each other, but that engagement just reminded me of the power of humanity. Isn't it better to imagine the opportunities in humanity instead of the evils anyway?

I stopped there on my list because that's all I could think of. That's all I know right now, but that is my truth. And I think that's an ok place to start.

So I sit here now, in my new apartment, sipping tea and listening to the buses run by on the street below me. And I'm grateful for this time that I can sit here and pause. In a few minutes, I'll pack up my backpack and head to campus for class and work and it will be go time, but for now, I can sit here and just be. Maybe that's what I've been missing in my life--those pause moments. I've intentionally tried to build them into my new schedule and I'm hopeful that I can use the space to find more of my truth. Or maybe I just need to lean into the pause moments, and I am also open to that. So here's to the truth and the pause.